A present from Brother Randor: "LUVLINER" Written by Jeffrey Hirschfield FADE IN: EXT. SPACE - NIGHT The mighty LEXX cruises through the void. INT. LEXX, GALLEY - NIGHT A distracted ZEV barely pays any attention to the oily lump of food she chews as she stares off, lost in thought. 790 is beside her. He makes delirious moaning noises as he watches her eat, and chews along with her in an exaggerated manner. She does not take long to become annoyed. ZEV Off. On her command, 790's face screens immediately go dark. She returns to eating as STAN enters. They acknowledge each other in silence. Zev turns away as Stan steps up to the food dispensing nozzle. STAN Squirt me something hot and good, Lexx. Zev watches Stan as he stares expectantly at the nozzle, unaware of her gaze. And she looks at him... and looks at him... and looks at him... and discovers to her horror that she is actually regarding Stan with something resembling sexual desire.... The food suddenly dumps out of the nozzle in a wet splash. Zev snaps out of her state with a tiny gasp. Stan's eyes catch hers as she turns away. He is struck by what he sees in them... and he smiles wide and warm. Zev faces him again, a little flushed. ZEV What? STAN (low key, sincere) I saw it. ZEV Saw what? STAN The look. ZEV What look? STAN The look that says it all. The look that says you were regarding, considering, maybe even desiring... someone like me, perhaps. 790 blinks back into life. 790 Die! ZEV (flustered) Are you insane? STAN No. ZEV Me? You? Never! STAN (calm as a breeze) Zev. I know what I saw. You are the only woman on the ship. I am the only man. It's just natural destiny smiling upon me. 790 Slap him! Zev gets up and exits quickly. ZEV Dream on Stanley. Dream on. STAN Bye. Ready when you are. She is gone. 790 glares at Stan. 790 Zev attracted to you? To you?! Impossible! You could not attract flies if you stuffed your pants with meat! STAN My pants are stuffed with meat. Love meat. You are a power tool with no power, no tool, and no chance. Stan pats 790 on the head with a food caked hand, then starts humming happily to himself. 790's face screens shake in uncontrollable rage. INT. CRYO-CHAMBER - NIGHT KAI is frozen inside his pod. A digitized image of his sleeping face appears on the monitor mounted to its side. ZEV gently touches the image, then caresses the pod itself. ZEV Kai.... On the monitor, Kai's mouth speaks but his eyes do not open. KAI Hello Zev. ZEV Kai, I think I'm losing it. KAI How so? ZEV I looked at Stan. KAI Is that unusual? ZEV I looked at him. You know.... Looked at him! With thoughts. (wincing) Sexual... (shuddering) ...thoughts. KAI Stan would appreciate knowing that. ZEV No! It can't happen! But... I'm so desperate! KAI I'm so dead. Zev stares at his image on the monitor. ZEV I know Kai. She turns and starts to leave. ZEV I know. EXT. SPACE - NIGHT The Lexx sails along. INT. ZEV'S SLEEPING CHAMBER - NIGHT ZEV is on her cot, fast asleep, gently sighing under the influence of a dream. INT. STAN'S SLEEPING CHAMBER - NIGHT STAN is sleeping on his cot, grunting happily in a dream state. INT. CRYO-CHAMBER - NIGHT KAI is frozen in his pod. His digital face screen shows no sign of movement. He does not dream. INT. BRIDGE - NIGHT 790 is on the bridge, awake as always and dreaming aloud of Zev. 790 On a branch there is a fruit, Plump and ripe for picking In her bed there is a body Plump and ripe for licking-- He is startled by a sudden blast of white noise. Distorted, moaning voices -both male and female- can be discerned within it. The sound fades but returns moments later with increased intensity. The voices within are louder, still a jumbled cacophony of moans. The sound cuts out again, returning momentarily and this time accompanied by flickering light on the view screen. 790 stares at the flickering light intensely as the voices become clearer. Their moaning becomes highly sexual in nature. Coos and playful squeals punctuate the chorus. The volume builds and echoes... INT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT ...through the fleshy corridors of the LEXX... INT. ZEV'S SLEEPING CHAMBER - NIGHT ...becoming audible in ZEV'S sleeping chamber. The voices drift around her, purring and groaning with lust. They invade her sleep, and she starts to join in the chorus. She writhes around the bed to their undulating rhythm, now biting her lip and growling, as an occasional word or phrase starts to rise out of the mix. VOICE FRAGMENTS ...sweat... skin... caress... yes... I got what you need...oh baby, baby.... INT. STAN'S SLEEPING CHAMBER - NIGHT The voices are audible in Stan's chamber as well, and his sleeping form is soon in their grip. He burbles and drools and slides around his cot as they work their way into his dreams. VOICE FRAGMENTS Come get what I got... hot and ready... try me, fly me... slippery when wet.... Then, one sultry female voice becomes prominent. FEMALE VOICE My name is Deneeda. I'm dying to meet you. Can you guess where my hand is right now? Stan, still asleep, bites down hard on his blanket. INT. BRIDGE - NIGHT 790 becomes highly agitated as a male voice becomes prominent in the chorus. MALE VOICE My name is Cortannyo. I am young, tan, cut and buffed- 790 And unwelcome! MALE VOICE I'm looking for a woman- 790 Not here you're not! MALE VOICE -who knows how to give and receive pleasure. 790 She's not listening! 790 starts to compete with the voice as the volume of the transmission increases. MALE VOICE Want it slow and steady? You got it. Fast and nasty? Say no more. We've got all night, and it's going to be a long one. Do you tire easily? I don't. 790 All night of my Zev, Zev All night of Zev I dream She sets me in her lovely Lap And ladles my circuits With cream! The volume level of the male's voice grows louder still. MALE VOICE I've got the love gun. Are you next on my hit list? INT. ZEV'S SLEEPING CHAMBER - NIGHT ZEV continues to writhe in her bed as the same male voice echoes around her. MALE VOICE ...hit list ...hit list ...hit list.... It dissolves into the still moaning chorus as another male voice comes to the fore. MALE VOICE 2 Leave a message. I'll get back to you, I'll get front to you. I'll get all over you, and you will learn the meaning of ecstasy. I want to be your love machine.... The voice succeeds in rousing Zev from sleep. She sits up, wide eyed, listening. INT. STAN'S SLEEPING CHAMBER - NIGHT A female voice becomes prominent in the mix, beckoning to a bouncing, squirming STAN. FEMALE VOICE I'm young, stunningly gorgeous, and insatiable, and I like my men wrinkled and homely. Are you out there Daddy Man? That's enough to wake Stan. He bolts up, sweaty and disoriented. INT. BRIDGE - NIGHT ZEV and STAN have joined 790 are on the bridge. They watch a degraded image form on the virtual screen, which gradually grows clearer. The image is of scantily clad DANCER/MODELS of both sexes, bumping and grinding in a seductively lit space. One by one they slither sexually up to the camera, posing, winking and blowing kisses of invitation. A sultry female voice is heard in accompaniment. FEMALE VOICE Come for romance. Come for sensual adventure. Come to fan the flames of passion. Luvliner. We're wide open...to anything. Cruise in and unwind in the sultry heart-shaped lounge, or relax in the garden courtyard. The water in the marble pool is always warm... and inviting. And then kick back in one of our deluxe private lounges and dial up room service. We guarantee your order will arrive hot. Why not follow the dream beam to Luvliner? You'll be so glad you did. An electronic signal is heard that builds and ends in a crescendo as coordinates flash on the bottom of the screen. Zev and Stan look to each other wide-eyed as the transmission fades. STAN Lexx, did you get those coordinates? LEXX Yes, Stan. Stan looks to Zev. She hesitates but a moment. ZEV So hurry. They both burst into ear to ear grins. EXT. SPACE - NIGHT The LEXX makes a dramatic shift of direction and zooms off. EXT. LUVLINER - NIGHT The LEXX rests in space in the background of a floating complex that has seen much better days. This is LUVLINER. The slowly rotating satellite wants to be a chic nightclub, but comes off as a sleazy, run down dump. Neon symbols that used to flash now sputter intermittently. Windows are boarded up. The entire structure looks like it's been dunked in dirty oil. A large planet is visible nearby. INT. LEXX, BRIDGE - NIGHT STAN, ZEV and 790 observe the satellite on the viewing screen. STAN Not exactly as advertised. The image blinks out and another forms. They find themselves facing a bored, jaded, unkempt weasel of a man, SCHLEMMI ZAKKAKKAK. He coughs, spits, and blows his nose into his sleeve before speaking. SCHLEMMI Welcome to Luvliner we love having you here what do you want speak. ZEV We... we... STAN We want, you know... action. SCHLEMMI Who doesn't? Well it's all here. Babes, boys, beasts, thinner or fatter/ hunks, chunks, monks, twins dipped in batter/ the wiggle, the jiggle, the ooo-la-la, people to spank you and sheep to go "Baaa." What's your poison? STAN Can't we come and check things out? SCHLEMMI Yeah... What have you got? ZEV Got? What do you mean? SCHLEMMI (annoyed) Hello? Are you awake now? Trade. What have you got to trade? You are on a ship, aren't you? Ships have things on them, don't they? Items with value? ZEV We have nothing to trade. SCHLEMMI Then don't waste my time. Turn your big bug ship around and go find something fun you can do for free. What is that ship anyway? What flavor of loser flies around in a bug? STAN Hey, this is the Lexx pal. The most powerful destructive force in two universes! SCHLEMMI (underwhelmed to the max) I'm impressed. No, really. This is me being impressed. I've got an uncle named Lexx and if you're as tough as him.... Does it sting? Is that it? It swoops down and stings the bad guys. Ouch! Or maybe it strafes them with bug poop. Lookout! (scowling) I know every weapon ever made and from what I can see you have precisely none of them. And if you don't leave right now I'm coming out there with my swatter. His image dissolves, replaced by an exterior view of Luvliner. Stan looks at the planet behind it and furrows his brow. STAN Hey! You! Schlemmi's surly image returns. SCHLEMMI I got things to do. You got nothing to trade. Fly away, losers. Buzz off. He reaches to switch his signal off. STAN See that planet? SCHLEMMI Which one? STAN The big one. SCHLEMMI What about it? STAN Lexx, destroy that planet please. LEXX As you request Stan. SCHLEMMI Funny Ha-ha. EXT. LEXX, NIGHT LEXX does its spectacular eye shifting, beam focusing, planet destroying thing. The planet explodes leaving nothing but a few chunks drifting through the ether. INT. LEXX, BRIDGE - NIGHT ON THE VIEWING SCREEN: SCHLEMMI takes a good long time before his croaking voice recovers the capacity to emit sounds. SCHLEMMI Oh... well... there it is.... STAN and ZEV grin at his much humbled image. Schlemmi presses a couple of buttons on his console. SCHLEMMI Hey! Will you look at that! I completely forgot! Do I work too hard or what? It's...Bob's Comet Day! That 'ol Bob's Comet just flew by again and we always mark the occasion with samples- on the house! It's your big time lucky feel good ho ho Bob kind of day! Special visitor freebie pass things whatever. So- come on board good people! It's time for love! ZEV Excellent. Schlemmi's image disappears. 790 Meat love does not compare to metal love. ZEV I think I'll find that out for myself. 790 Agony. As she looks at 790 a mischievous smile spreads across her face. 790 What...? EXT. LUVLINER - NIGHT ZEV, STAN and 790 are visible inside a Moth cockpit as it approaches Luvliner's main dock. A light starts flashing above one of the big bays and the Moth disappears into it. INT. LUVLINER, CORRIDOR OUTSIDE AIRLOCK - NIGHT STAN and ZEV, who carries 790, step out of an airlock into an uninviting corridor: a dimly lit tube of stained walls, peeling paint, and suspect puddles on the floor. Scratchy music plays out of broken speakers. STAN I've been to these kinds of places before. The rooms are probably nicer.... Zev shrugs and starts walking. 790 Zev... please. You can't be serious. There's no one for me but you! Don't place me in the arms of another! ZEV Come on. A nice lady robot to rub your neck stump. You might like it. 790 I won't! They walk on. INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE OF LOUNGE - NIGHT As OUR HEROES stroll down this new, equally dank corridor, they gaze in at the heart shaped lounge; or rather, the broken-heart shaped lounge. It is a disheveled scuz-hole. The occasional table hosts a single, greasy Occupant. Creepy Couples tongue-lash each other in dark booths. A haggard, filthy Woman is passed out at the bar, face down in her drink. A slob of a MAN and his equally repulsive FEMALE CONSORT argue at the back. MAN C'mon baby. Please. Just a little. CONSORT You gotta clear your tab first. No pay, no lay. MAN Please.... I'm good for it. CONSORT So's your right hand. The woman at the bar slides off the bar and crashes to the floor. Stan and Zev raise their eyebrows at each other and keep walking... INT. COURTYARD - NIGHT ...Through the crumbling, swampy courtyard. A kiddie-pool sized fake marble tub, filled with bubbling, noxious, thick gray goo, occupies the middle. A Woman is bent over it in the midst of a phlegmy coughing fit. A Drunk urinates into a plastic potted plant. A Fat Man in a bathing suit sprawls off to the side of the pool, ogling Zev as she walks by. FAT MAN (to Zev) Hey beautiful. Go for a dip? ZEV Pass. They keep walking until they reach... INT. LUVLINER, RECEPTION AREA - NIGHT ...The reception area. It redefines disgusting. SCHLEMMI sits behind a counter caged off from an angry MALE CUSTOMER. MALE CUSTOMER I have twenty more minutes! Twenty more! SCHLEMMI No you don't. Get lost. Stop breathing on me. The customer shakes the bars. MALE CUSTOMER You cheat! You worm! I'll kill you! I'll bust you up! SCHLEMMI Take your hands off the bars. Now! Now as in yesterday! MALE CUSTOMER Give me the rest of my time or I get my cargo back! I want- An electrical charge suddenly races up the length of the bars, zapping the customer and sending him sprawling to the floor. SCHLEMMI On your way, Scum-O. Your time is over! Have fun, die slow, bye bye. The customer crawls off in agony as STAN and ZEV (with 790) approach. Schlemmi smiles too wide. SCHLEMMI Hey. Real nice to see ya in person-like. Glad you could make it. (noticing 790) Nice head. 790 The name is 790, cretin. Schlemmi is taken aback. His gaze lingers on 790. SCHLEMMI Whatever you say. I'm easy. You the whole crew? You got kind of a big ship for two people. 790 Three. ZEV Two and a half. STAN There's one more on board. Not like us though. SCHLEMMI Yeah? So like how? STAN You'd like to know. SCHLEMMI Not really. But doesn't he want some fun too? STAN No. He doesn't like fun. He's an assassin. He's killed lots of people. Thousands. Schlemmi smiles weakly and sniffs, trying to appear disinterested. SCHLEMMI That's nice. Zev takes in the filthy surroundings. She rubs her hand on a dirty surface. Schlemmi notices. SCHLEMMI Renovations. You know. We're expanding to serve you better. STAN So where's the babes? SCHLEMMI Right. Right. You want some red-hot lovin'. Uh - huh! He shoves three credit card type keys through a slot in the cage. SCHLEMMI Here's your keys. Rooms are down the hall. Ladies on the left, gentlemen on the right, or the other way round if you like. But put the head in 411. Peruse the catalogue, make your choice, and get pumping! Stan snatches the keys and stares hard at Schlemmi. STAN And by the way, I instructed our ship to blow this place to bits if we're not back on board in two hours. SCHLEMMI Yes sir. Good precaution sir. Can't trust anyone in the whole universe these days. Enjoy your stay sir, and happy Bob's Comet Day. Our heroes stroll off around the corner. Schlemmi watches them go, relieved when they are out of sight. Then a sinister expression creeps over his face as he turns to the radio on his console. INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT A seedy hallway with rows of doors. STAN stands in front of the furthest one, glancing back at ZEV as he fumbles with his key. ZEV, holding 790, stands in front of room 411. She inserts the key in a slot and the door panel starts to lift. ZEV You'll have fun. 790 Without you? Impossible! INT. STAN'S ROOM - NIGHT STAN enters a tiny hovel a room and stands in the middle of it. A soiled, split-open cot is shoved up against one wall. A dusty console with a flat top and a few buttons is against another. Stan gingerly steps up to it. INT. ZEV'S ROOM - NIGHT ZEV -now free of 790- enters a duplicate room. She sits down at the console and pushes the biggest button. A holographic set of lips materializes above the console. LIPS Welcome love-seeker. Please take a moment to help us learn just what sort of pleasure you seek. Your preferences will be carefully processed and the most appropriate candidates will be presented to you. ZEV Where to start? Muscles! Yes! Not too many... but a lot! INT. 790'S ROOM - NIGHT 790 is in yet another identical room, having been placed on the console. He glares angrily at the holographic image of the lips. 790 I'm after Zev. LIPS Do you prefer the opposite sex, your own sex, hybrid or other alternative? 790 Zev. LIPS If alternative, please specify human, animal, plant, mineral, machine, virtual-- 790 Zev! Zev! Always and forever Zev! INT. STAN'S ROOM - NIGHT STAN is crawling out of his skin with anticipation as the holographic lips start to fade above his console. LIPS You are ready. May your selection bring you the satisfaction you clearly need. STAN (impatiently) Yeah yeah. Let's go. There is a flash of light, then a holographic image starts to form. INT. ZEV'S ROOM - NIGHT There is a similar flash of light above ZEV'S console, and in moments she finds herself facing a 3-D image of a HUNKY MAN. The image rotates so that she can take it all in. ZEV (enthralled) Hmmm, not bad.... She presses a button on her console. The image disappears and is momentarily replaced by that of an even beefier specimen. ZEV (even more enthralled) Not bad at all.... INT. STAN' ROOM - NIGHT STAN is staring at the rotating image of a dumpy, homely WOMAN. STAN You're kidding, right? He presses a button. Her image disappears and is replaced by another, equally unattractive WOMAN. STAN This is the funny part, right? Her image disappears and is replaced by that of a lusty FAT MAN. STAN Must we? INT. 790'S ROOM- NIGHT 790 sits on the desk. Rotating in front of his eyes is an image of a toaster-like appliance. 790 No! Zev! The toaster vanishes and is replaced by what looks like a blender. 790 Zev! Zev! Zev! INT. STAN'S ROOM - NIGHT STAN stares at another image of a less than attractive WOMAN. STAN (exasperated) Is this machine busted!? He starts pounding the buttons on the console. INT. RECEPTION AREA - NIGHT SCHLEMMI is still behind his desk, speaking into a transmitter. A tiny monitor displays the image of AULK, a burly, nasty looking individual. SCHLEMMI ...yeah Aulk, that's what I'm telling you. A giant bug! This thing took out Boron-3 just like that! It was there and then -KABLAM!- it wasn't. This is it, I'm tellin ya! This is the big score! AULK (on monitor, quiet voice) And the crew is just two? SCHLEMMI And the robot head! AULK Right. That's all? SCHLEMMI Yeah. AULK Nobody else? SCHLEMMI No.... Yeah. They mentioned something about an assassin on board or something. I don't know. AULK Either there's an assassin on board or there isn't. SCHLEMMI Okay! They said there was. But I don't believe them though, 'cause why would he stay behind? Everybody knows assassins are crazy for nookie, right? AULK Not all of them. Did they say he was dead? SCHLEMMI Dead? How could he be dead? It's a shuck, all right? They were just pulling my pud. A light on the console starts flashing and buzzing obnoxiously. SCHLEMMI Look, I gotta go here. So, are you in or what? AULK (takes his sweet time) Maybe. Ninety ten. SCHLEMMI We're talking deal! I like it! AULK Me ninety. You ten. SCHLEMMI What?! Forget that. There's a lotta guys I could offer this to. I got people- AULK Shut up Schlemmi. Schlemmi shuts up. AULK Anyway, I'll think about it. SCHLEMMI Don't think too long. Schlemmi dismisses Aulk's image and frowns at the flashing buzzer. INT. STAN'S ROOM - NIGHT STAN scowls as he hits a button over and over. Finally the image of SCHLEMMI materializes on his console's tiny monitor. SCHLEMMI Problem? STAN Yes there is a problem! Your selection sucks! I ordered attractive! SCHLEMMI (on monitor) You're seeing the top of the line sir. It hasn't been a great year for recruiting. Dim the lights a little and you'll be fine. STAN I'm getting upset. And when I get upset I like to cause trouble! SCHLEMMI (sheepish) I'll see what I can do sir. The previous image fades and that of another WOMAN replaces it. She still ain't too pretty, but the best he's seen so far. Schlemmi's image returns. SCHLEMMI She's our number one. Honest. Reserved for our top clients. Give her a chance. You won't be disappointed. Stan frowns at the selection. INT. ZEV'S ROOM - NIGHT ZEV continues to peruse images. She dismisses one of yet another HUNKY STUD. ZEV No. Close, but no. An image of 790 appears and rotates in front of her. ZEV No! 790 fades as she hits the button, and a moment later Zev is looking at the image of STAN. ZEV NO!!! His image fades and is replaced by that of a thoroughly delicious MALE SPECIMEN (VARRTAN). His confident, superior voice is heard accompanying the representation. VARRTAN My name is Varrtan. My body speaks for itself. My sexual thirst can never be quenched. Love is the fire, and I am the fire man. ZEV (grinning) Him. INT. STAN'S ROOM - NIGHT STAN is still staring at the same image. He sighs in resignation. STAN Okay. Her. INT. 790'S ROOM - NIGHT 790 frowns as he looks at the rotating image of a pair of pliers. 790 (suddenly inspired) Say, do you have any living, well built male bodies, without heads? INT. ZEV'S ROOM - NIGHT There is the sound of chimes over a panel in ZEV'S compartment. She adjusts her dress, flips her hair, and runs a finger over her lips. ZEV Come in. The door panel lifts up and VARRTAN stands before her in all his beefy glory. He is exactly as advertised. VARRTAN I am Varrtan. ZEV (thrilled) Are you ever. His eyes run the length of her body, lingering on her face. His expression becomes one of awe. VARRTAN You are unbelievably beautiful. ZEV You're not bad yourself. VARRTAN A truly extraordinary woman. She slides up to him, caresses his neck and shoulder, and whispers into his ear. ZEV I'm more than a woman. I'm part Cluster Lizard. It makes me extra aggressive. She emits a low key lizard growl, and nibbles Varrtan's ear. His eyes bug out of his head. VARRTAN (overwhelmed) You are well versed in the ways of love. ZEV Not really. I was transformed into a love slave in every way that counts, but... VARTANN But what? ZEV I have never 'done it' before. VARRTAN You are joking, of course. ZEV No. Varrtan starts to physically tremble. VARRRTAN A... virgin.... Zev slips her fingers down to the loincloth he is wearing. ZEV But not for much longer, am I? Varrtan swallows hard. INT. STAN'S ROOM - NIGHT Chimes sound over STAN'S door. He sighs. STAN Come in. The door lifts and in steps RISSHA. She is a plain Jane, shy and vulnerable. RISSHA I am Rissha. Stan looks her up and down and shakes his head. He is not impressed. STAN Look, nothing personal, but I was hoping for somebody a little more... you know... a little more- RISSHA I see. I will go. STAN Good. I mean sorry! I mean... I'm sure you're very nice and everything, but nice isn't exactly what they promised. Does that make me a bad person? RISSHA No. You are the customer. You should have what you want. STAN See! You understand! All I want is what they said they had, and now it turns out that they don't have it. Not even close! Another foot in the mouth for Stan. STAN Uh- I mean... personal preference wise. RISSHA You find me ugly. STAN No! I didn't mean it like that. You're not ugly! You're not great, but- no - Argh! What I'm trying to say-- RISSHA You do not have to say anything. You obviously have high standards and expect them to be met. I admire your integrity. Stan begins to look at her with different eyes. STAN Yeah.... Exactly. Thank you for seeing that.... Rissha smiles warmly, and suddenly looks a whole lot cuter. RISSHA It was obvious. Stan smiles back at her. INT. 790'S ROOM - NIGHT 790 sits helplessly atop the desk. 790 Hello? Is anyone listening?! I demand to be taken back to Zev without delay! These others mean nothing to me! Only Zev owns my heart! The door to the room opens. 790 About time! A pair of arms pick up 790 and he is spun around to face- -SCHLEMMI, dressed in what can only be described as an electric suit. Plugs, cables, and other wiring paraphernalia protrude off of the metallic bondage gear he is wearing. SCHLEMMI I've been waiting an eternity for something like you. 790 screams. EXT. LUVLINER - NIGHT A weathered, armored shuttle approaches LUVLINER. The LEXX is visible in the background. The shuttle disappears into one of the docking bays. INT. LUVLINER, CORRIDOR OUTSIDE AIRLOCK - NIGHT The airlock opens and AULK steps into the corridor. He has a grim, determined look on his face. INT. ZEV'S ROOM - NIGHT An incredulous ZEV stares at a humble VARRTAN. ZEV You what? VARRTAN I want to take it slow. Zev I... I... you're too special to waste in a cheap, throwaway encounter. I must gaze upon your body, drink you in, kneel at your feet, adore you, savor this sweetest of moments. ZEV Let's just get on with it! VARRTAN Zev... angel.... ZEV I've waited too long. Get naked! VARRTAN No. I love you too much for that. Zev can't believe it. INT. 790'S ROOM - NIGHT SCHLEMMI speaks lovingly to 790, who is perched on the console. SCHLEMMI It's all the same after a while, you know? Same old this, same old that. Just more flesh on parade. I take a look at everyone who comes in here, -a job perk- and I've gotten stinky with a pile of 'em, let me tell ya. Fish Girls of Tassik-3, Man-Apes of Remblatt-11, you name it. Even tussled with a few shellheads in my time. And this one furry nympho leper from Bozzgang-28 still gets me all squishy inside, but my tastes have, shall we say, evolved.... He attaches a mouthpiece of wires and clamps to his face. Fuses on it glow and hiss. SCHLEMMI You're my kind of fun now. 790 screams again as Schlemmi gives him a high voltage kiss. INT. STAN'S ROOM - NIGHT STAN and RISSHA have melted a lot of ice. They now sit beside each other on the cot, having a sincere discussion. STAN Rissha, I'm sorry if I wasn't very sensitive. RISSHA Don't Stan. STAN I was being a jerk. Insulting you and all.... RISSHA I know I'm not the prettiest flower in the vase- STAN Hey, listen. Neither am I! RISSHA But I can make people very happy when given a chance. STAN Me too. Or, at least, I hope so. RISSHA I'm sure you could Stan. I know you could. Stan gazes at her with genuine tenderness. RISSHA And Stan.... STAN Yes Rissha...? RISSHA I find you attractive. STAN You do? Their hands inch towards each other. RISSHA In an... unorthodox kind of way. They gaze at each other. Rissha is pressing all the right buttons. Stan's sexual thermometer rises, and they descend into a kiss when... ...the door is kicked in. Rissha turns as a black sheet strikes her, vaporizing her on the spot. A terrified Stan looks at the spot where she used to be, then into the face of- -AULK, looming in the doorway, his black-pak now turned on Stan. AULK Get up, captain. INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT Black-pak at the ready, AULK strides down the hall towing STAN, who is now bound at the wrists and gagged. A mostly naked Man is crawling on all fours along the floor, mumbling to himself. He glances up at them, leering at Stan. MAN Sloppy seconds? Aulk kicks him out of the way and proceeds. He scans the numbers until he finds room 411, then kicks it in. His eyes narrow as he sees- INT. 790'S ROOM - NIGHT --790 being held aloft by SCHLEMMI. A trap on 790's head is open, exposing wires and circuitry. Schlemmi has what looks like a giant battery pack and phallic plug wrapped in Christmas lights strapped to his groin. He is hot to go, but withers in embarrassment when he sees AULK. SCHLEMMI Aulk! 790 Help! Aulk looks at the pair and is clearly disgusted. SCHLEMMI Glad you decided to come! I was just uhh... er...um... entering -intimidating- the sex toy -uh- robot head. Drilling -or rather- grilling him- for pleasure --I mean information. Aulk is unmoved. Schlemmi smiles weakly. SCHLEMMI Okay, so I like new experiences. (holding 790 out to Aulk) He's kinda special, don't you think? Aulk remains repulsed. INT. ZEV'S ROOM - NIGHT ZEV is about ready to eat VARRTAN for dinner. He whimpers and grovels as she barks orders at him. ZEV I'm going to rip your clothes off! Tears stream down Varrtan's cheeks. to be continued... randor (salter@lexx.com) Wednesday, September 17, 1997 04:24 PM